A Brief History of Non-Fatal Earth-Human Epidemics, as Identified Through Intergalactic Google Translate, Beta-version

Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics from the reign of human Pharaoh Nutteninkomen VI indicate an outbreak in the royal family of behaviors precisely like earth-house-cats, which this civilization worshipped. Manifestations included extended daytime napping, playing with balls of wound fibers, and showing total indifference to their servants. Accounts were thought to be apocryphal, although scans of mummified remains may reveal cutaneous marks not inconsistent with cat-like human pawing. The condition, translated by Google as “feline-abrasion high-temperature syndrome,” was first named by noted human public-health figure and amateur musician Theodore Nugent.

Seventeenth-century Netherlands witnessed a profusion of what Google Translate labels “two-lip-mania.” Other than its association with the human organ much like the x&!gh of Planet B38A12-Mshdk7ians, this disease’s physical symptoms remain murky to us. However, it appears that a treatment of the condition could be derived from the flowers of a particular earth genus of spring-blooming, perennial herbaceous bubliferous geophyte. The price of these plants thus skyrocketed, until the epidemic suddenly abated, at which point demand collapsed. The economic fallout from this epidemic appears to have become a mistaken metaphor for speculative, multifold increases in prices followed by precipitous declines. Theodore Nugent’s connection to this malady remains as yet undetermined.

“Rock-and-roll fever”—technically “rockin’” pneumonia, accompanied and exacerbated by the “boogie-woogie” strain of influenza—claimed thousands if not millions of victims in the United States in the 1950s and 1960s. Occurring in adolescents and young adults, its pathologies, disturbing to older humans, were triggered by certain loud, rhythmic aural stimula—ironically, manufactured by humans themselves as a by-product of industrial processes used to induce consumerism—and manifested through release of pheromones, heightened sexual activity, and the momentary loss of voluntary abdominal muscular control, thus condemning its victims to wild midriff gyrations. None other than Theodore Nugent still suffers from an unusually extended bout of this ailment. In examples of laudable public safety measures, humans began relegating the distribution of industrial aural production to an intentionally unreliable technology called “eight-track-tapes,” modifying aural production modes to a less-infectious pattern promoted as “disco,” and reducing dangerous pheromonal flaring through the donning of uncomfortable, unattractive garments constructed of a material invented expressly for this purpose, called “polyester.”

Unfortunately, Google as yet offers no translation for the hysteria known as “Y2K,” the designation of which we assume derives from the scientific classification of its viral cause, some slang abbreviation, or a portion of the license plate number of the white vehicle driven by the human we presume to be the first carrier of the disease, thus prompting the chasing of him to be quarantined to be widely televised several years before the main outbreak. Particularly, it may have originated from a single glove left at this syndrome’s ground zero by human Orenthal James Simpson. While we find little record of physical presentiments, we know that some humans considered it to be an existential threat to the species, evidenced by a spike in sales of personal weaponry and survivalist equipment. Appearing in a number of announcements promoting the use of such gear, this was another instance in which Theodore Nugent took a leading role in human public health. 

So-called, we think, because it induces behavior typical of morons, the “morona-virus” appears to debilitate the upper-sub-cruciate-interior-post-cerebrum region of the human brain, which we theorize is responsible for reasoning and for distinguishing the truthfulness of information. First erupting in the United States in 2015, it is spread via social media, with the primary markers of susceptibility signified by the combination of a tubular sexual organ protrusion, simmering resentment, and the harboring of an irrational fear of others humans exhibiting much higher levels of melatonin than they do. Symptoms can be enflamed by prolonged exposure to cable-delivered news television. As with certain forms of cancer, whose human sufferers and their supporters wear pink, morona-virus victims signal their solidarity with each other through the affectation of particular garments, in this instance red head-coverings bearing a slogan that Google cannot yet exactly translate but we conjecture to be “morona-virus attacks get another,” as it is often abbreviated to “MAGA.” Tragically, Theodore Nugent numbers among its most prominent victims.

Whatcha thinkin'?

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.