“The president also vowed to continue his push to overturn the results, adding, ‘Our case STRONGLY continues, we will keep up the good … fight, and I believe we will prevail!’ A senior Trump campaign adviser, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to be candid, said Monday night: ‘He basically just conceded. That’s as close to a concession as you will probably get.’” Washington Post, Nov. 24, 2020.
True, the Romans routed our last army, executed our remaining menfolk, reveled in the lamentations of our women, sold our children into bondage, torched our city, took axe to our orchards, and salted our fields. But I’m pretty damn confident we’re on track for the win.—Lead Counsel, Carthage, during press conference held at razed former site of Four Seasons Pre-Owned Oxcart Sales & Service, West Carthage, 146 BCE.
Yo, E-dog! Got the Big D operational , obliterated Alderaan + all billions of inhabitants , but let a buddy drive & it got totaled . Don’t worry, insurance will cover We’re going to strike back, bro! 🥰🥳🤠—Text, Darth Vader to Emperor
The King’s horses and the King’s men are political hacks. All of them. Deep state!—Humpty Dumpty
The lame-stream media is saying I didn’t find specific evidence of the fountain of youth. But let me talk to you about a big, beautiful real estate opportunity.—Juan Ponce de Léon, as quoted in a Fox News Spanish Empire segment dated 5/11/1511, over chyron “Florida Man Sinks Millions into Expedition.”
I’ve still got better name recognition than 99% of all the species that ever existed. Ratings, baby!—The dodo bird
LOCK…HER…UP!! #CrookedLucy—Charlie Brown, after failing to kick the football, again
I reserve the right to stand again at the time and place of my choosing.—General Custer
A four-point shot? Pantsing my center? That trampoline their players used in the third quarter? There’s no way the refs were watching the same game you and I were watching—especially after the other team put blindfolds on them.—Coach, Washington Generals, after 3,257th consecutive loss to the Harlem Globetrotters
I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids and their dog. And maybe the Chinese. And possibly Hugo Chavez.—Every Scooby-Doo villain
No repeat customer ever, ever, came into my kitchen to complain that the fricassee “tastes like chicken.”—Message to Yelp, flagging a one-star review as potentially fraudulent, from the cook of the Donner Party.
I’m this close to world domination, and then all seven parts of my soul that I had stashed for safekeeping get destroyed by some random four-eyed punk. How do you explain that? What, like, magic or something?—Voldemort, at the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
We’re going to appeal to a higher authority.—Priam, former king of Troy, after unsuccessful sacrifice to Thumea, the goddess of afternoon naps, chariot parking meters, and fair play.
The Earth is round, so really, when you think about it, everyplace is a pole, amirite? Where I’m standing, a pole. Watch me take a step to the left. See, another pole. Where you’re standing. That’s a pole, too. Sing with me, tune of Old McDonald, “Here a pole, there a pole, everywhere a pole-pole.”—Explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton, upon failing to reach the globe’s southernmost point
Most support for Incumbent EVER!!! 70 million flying monkeys CAN’T be wrong!—Wicked Witch of the West, post-melting
I am not a crook.—Richard Nixon
If any o’my minions had given me a horse as twice I beseeched, I would, like ‘t’were a thrice-rented, sway-backed grey mule, Richmond’s ass have kicked. —Last lines mistakenly edited out of Shakespeare’s Richard III
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. Also, what did they find on Jesus’s old laptop hard drive at that repair shop in Galilee? A million angels can fit on the head of a pin, and every one of them voted in DETROIT?!! REPEAL THE STEAL!!!!—Satan, after being cast out of heaven.