Notable Non-concession Concessions You May Have Missed

“The president also vowed to continue his push to overturn the results, adding, ‘Our case STRONGLY continues, we will keep up the good … fight, and I believe we will prevail!’ A senior Trump campaign adviser, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to be candid, said Monday night: ‘He basically just conceded. That’s as close to a concession as you will probably get.’”
 Washington Post, Nov. 24, 2020.

True, the Romans routed our last army, executed our remaining menfolk, reveled in the lamentations of our women, sold our children into bondage, torched our city, took axe to our orchards, and salted our fields. But I’m pretty damn confident we’re on track for the win.—Lead Counsel, Carthage, during press conference held at razed former site of Four Seasons Pre-Owned Oxcart Sales & Service, West Carthage, 146 BCE.

Yo, E-dog! Got the Big D operational 👍🌮😀, obliterated Alderaan + all ✨billions✨ of inhabitants 😎😊🎉, but let a buddy drive & it got totaled 😭😔😬. Don’t worry, insurance will cover 😉🤑 We’re going to strike back, bro! 🥰🥳🤠—Text, Darth Vader to Emperor

The King’s horses and the King’s men are political hacks. All of them. Deep state!—Humpty Dumpty

The lame-stream media is saying I didn’t find specific evidence of the fountain of youth. But let me talk to you about a big, beautiful real estate opportunity.—Juan Ponce de Léon, as quoted in a Fox News Spanish Empire segment dated 5/11/1511, over chyron “Florida Man Sinks Millions into Expedition.”

I’ve still got better name recognition than 99% of all the species that ever existed. Ratings, baby!—The dodo bird

LOCK…HER…UP!! #CrookedLucy—Charlie Brown, after failing to kick the football, again

I reserve the right to stand again at the time and place of my choosing.—General Custer

A four-point shot? Pantsing my center? That trampoline their players used in the third quarter? There’s no way the refs were watching the same game you and I were watching—especially after the other team put blindfolds on them.—Coach, Washington Generals, after 3,257th consecutive loss to the Harlem Globetrotters

I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids and their dog. And maybe the Chinese. And possibly Hugo Chavez.—Every Scooby-Doo villain

No repeat customer ever, ever, came into my kitchen to complain that the fricassee “tastes like chicken.”—Message to Yelp, flagging a one-star review as potentially fraudulent, from the cook of the Donner Party.

I’m this close to world domination, and then all seven parts of my soul that I had stashed for safekeeping get destroyed by some random four-eyed punk. How do you explain that? What, like, magic or something?—Voldemort, at the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

We’re going to appeal to a higher authority.—Priam, former king of Troy, after unsuccessful sacrifice to Thumea, the goddess of afternoon naps, chariot parking meters, and fair play.

The Earth is round, so really, when you think about it, everyplace is a pole, amirite? Where I’m standing, a pole. Watch me take a step to the left. See, another pole. Where you’re standing. That’s a pole, too. Sing with me, tune of Old McDonald, “Here a pole, there a pole, everywhere a pole-pole.”—Explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton, upon failing to reach the globe’s southernmost point

Most support for Incumbent EVER!!! 70 million flying monkeys CAN’T be wrong!—Wicked Witch of the West, post-melting

I am not a crook.—Richard Nixon

If any o’my minions had given
me a horse as twice I beseeched, I would,
like ‘t’were a thrice-rented, sway-backed grey mule,
Richmond’s ass have kicked.
—Last lines mistakenly edited out of Shakespeare’s Richard III

Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. Also, what did they find on Jesus’s old laptop hard drive at that repair shop in Galilee? A million angels can fit on the head of a pin, and every one of them voted in DETROIT?!!  REPEAL THE STEAL!!!!—Satan, after being cast out of heaven.

Covid-19 Summer Tourism Incentives You Can’t Afford to Miss

“Travelers eager to take advantage of easing travel restrictions will have help this summer in the form of incentives and assurances from destinations around the world hoping to jump-start their tourist-reliant economies.”

Washington Post, May 29.

A Quick Getaway

The friendly Jalisca family invites you to indulge yourself with a two-day, one-night vacation at our beautiful private colony in the Mexican state of Oaxaca. We will lodge you, feed you, purchase your round-trip airfare, and pay you $10,000, all so you can enjoy the warmth of the Mexican sunshine, drink your fill of our locally-famous, home-made margaritas; and be lulled to sleep by the comforting late-night murmur of federale helicopter gunship raids. We’ll even arrange to welcome you personally back to the U.S.A. at your home airport. Special bonus: On the morning before your return, you’ll receive a sumptuous, fully-body massage.*

*Massage may include the insertion of a 1+-kilogram balloon of black-tar heroin into traveler’s rectum. Compensation paid in small, unmarked bills upon return of said balloon to Jalisco family representatives in the United States. Jalisco family not responsible for incidental legal expenses. Non-disclosure agreement applies.

World’s Biggest, Baddest Cruise Line Wants You

The adventure of a lifetime awaits! A large, federally-funded agency invites you to an extended, paid cruise of the world’s many waters. No need to worry about itineraries or logistics: we take care of everything, even the packing, and are confident you’ll look stunning in the white leisurewear provided, gratis, to all our travelers. When at sea, you’ll enjoy such on-board activities such as “Captain” Simon Says, the improvisational Pacific Theater…of Operations, and Battleship!™ (Full-Scale Fatal Consequences Edition); when in ports abroad, you’ll be greeted as a liberator.*

*Eligibility subject to meeting physical requirements and a federal security background check. Minimum cruise duration: two years. Early termination of cruise on traveler’s part may result in death or long-term imprisonment. Destinations vary according to U.S. geopolitical interests, presidential whim, and fluctuations in the market price of Brent crude.

Celebrity Bicycle Tour to Remember

The Arctic summer sun won’t set on your fun during this life-transforming eight-week jaunt across a spectacular landscape. Join regionally-renowned Kyrgyz explorer Rhtz Kzhntzh as you assist his sixth attempt to reach the North Pole by bicycle. All the glory you’ve yearned for, all the Instagram-ready variations of snow for you to photograph, and all the reindeer-meat jerky you can devour. Plus, at the end, you’ll likely be in the best shape you’ve ever been in, not to mention having earned the undying gratitude of a small, vowel-deficient autocracy.*

*Jerky consumption limited to 3-oz. ration per 24 hours. “Best shape” defined scientifically as “temperature-resistant to decomposition.” Please note that the Kyrgyz use the same word for “bicycle” and “rickshaw.” Also, the traveler will be expected to pull the rickshaw.

Backcountry Belonging

Looking to get away from it all for a spiritual journey you won’t forget? Come unwind at our closely-knit, off-the-grid, army-surplus-drone-secured Utah religious community for some well deserved R&R&R: rest, relaxation, and Revelation. We welcome you and your sinning soul to our rustic, communal cabins at the Holy Righteous Kingdom of the Prophet Kevin B. Smith. Whatever expenses you incur making your way here will be more than offset by your Heavenly reward. As a special inducement, all female travelers will have the opportunity to join Prophet Kevin in holy matrimony, officiated by the Prophet Kevin, with reception DJ’ed by Prophet Kevin, and witnessed by the family of Prophet Kevin and his worldwide social-media flock consisting of over a dozen followers.

*Additional expenses related to wedding receptions, exclusively catered by Prophet Kevin, to be charged to traveler. Traveler may be encouraged to sign over all their worldly possessions to the Holy Righteous Kingdom of the Prophet Kevin B. Smith Enterprises, LLC—not to be confused with the Righteous Holy Kingdom of Prophet Kevin C. Smith, Inc., which we interpret to be the legal form taken by the inveterate spawn of Satan. Offer valid through the earliest of the following: compound housing capacity reached, next Thursday, or the Apocalypse (also next Thursday).

A Brief History of Non-Fatal Earth-Human Epidemics, as Identified Through Intergalactic Google Translate, Beta-version

Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics from the reign of human Pharaoh Nutteninkomen VI indicate an outbreak in the royal family of behaviors precisely like earth-house-cats, which this civilization worshipped. Manifestations included extended daytime napping, playing with balls of wound fibers, and showing total indifference to their servants. Accounts were thought to be apocryphal, although scans of mummified remains may reveal cutaneous marks not inconsistent with cat-like human pawing. The condition, translated by Google as “feline-abrasion high-temperature syndrome,” was first named by noted human public-health figure and amateur musician Theodore Nugent.

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An Inspirational Surprise in the Archive

“Benjamin Lay,” by William Williams, Sr. c. 1750-1758. National Portrait Gallery, Object number NPG.79.171

Cross-posted at History @ BGSU

This January, I had the opportunity to spend two weeks in Washington, DC. While there I conducted research in the Library of Congress. But something in a quite different kind of archive, that I just happened upon, had a larger effect on me than anything I’d intentionally come to see.