Andy Schocket

“Travelers eager to take advantage of easing travel restrictions will have help this summer in the form of incentives and assurances from destinations around the world hoping to jump-start their tourist-reliant economies.”

Washington Post, May 29.

A Quick Getaway

The friendly Jalisca family invites you to indulge yourself with a two-day, one-night vacation at our beautiful private colony in the Mexican state of Oaxaca. We will lodge you, feed you, purchase your round-trip airfare, and pay you $10,000, all so you can enjoy the warmth of the Mexican sunshine, drink your fill of our locally-famous, home-made margaritas; and be lulled to sleep by the comforting late-night murmur of federale helicopter gunship raids. We’ll even arrange to welcome you personally back to the U.S.A. at your home airport. Special bonus: On the morning before your return, you’ll receive a sumptuous, fully-body massage.*

*Massage may include the insertion of a 1+-kilogram balloon of black-tar heroin into traveler’s rectum. Compensation paid in small, unmarked bills upon return of said balloon to Jalisco family representatives in the United States. Jalisco family not responsible for incidental legal expenses. Non-disclosure agreement applies.

World’s Biggest, Baddest Cruise Line Wants You

The adventure of a lifetime awaits! A large, federally-funded agency invites you to an extended, paid cruise of the world’s many waters. No need to worry about itineraries or logistics: we take care of everything, even the packing, and are confident you’ll look stunning in the white leisurewear provided, gratis, to all our travelers. When at sea, you’ll enjoy such on-board activities such as “Captain” Simon Says, the improvisational Pacific Theater…of Operations, and Battleship!™ (Full-Scale Fatal Consequences Edition); when in ports abroad, you’ll be greeted as a liberator.*

*Eligibility subject to meeting physical requirements and a federal security background check. Minimum cruise duration: two years. Early termination of cruise on traveler’s part may result in death or long-term imprisonment. Destinations vary according to U.S. geopolitical interests, presidential whim, and fluctuations in the market price of Brent crude.

Celebrity Bicycle Tour to Remember

The Arctic summer sun won’t set on your fun during this life-transforming eight-week jaunt across a spectacular landscape. Join regionally-renowned Kyrgyz explorer Rhtz Kzhntzh as you assist his sixth attempt to reach the North Pole by bicycle. All the glory you’ve yearned for, all the Instagram-ready variations of snow for you to photograph, and all the reindeer-meat jerky you can devour. Plus, at the end, you’ll likely be in the best shape you’ve ever been in, not to mention having earned the undying gratitude of a small, vowel-deficient autocracy.*

*Jerky consumption limited to 3-oz. ration per 24 hours. “Best shape” defined scientifically as “temperature-resistant to decomposition.” Please note that the Kyrgyz use the same word for “bicycle” and “rickshaw.” Also, the traveler will be expected to pull the rickshaw.

Backcountry Belonging

Looking to get away from it all for a spiritual journey you won’t forget? Come unwind at our closely-knit, off-the-grid, army-surplus-drone-secured Utah religious community for some well deserved R&R&R: rest, relaxation, and Revelation. We welcome you and your sinning soul to our rustic, communal cabins at the Holy Righteous Kingdom of the Prophet Kevin B. Smith. Whatever expenses you incur making your way here will be more than offset by your Heavenly reward. As a special inducement, all female travelers will have the opportunity to join Prophet Kevin in holy matrimony, officiated by the Prophet Kevin, with reception DJ’ed by Prophet Kevin, and witnessed by the family of Prophet Kevin and his worldwide social-media flock consisting of over a dozen followers.

*Additional expenses related to wedding receptions, exclusively catered by Prophet Kevin, to be charged to traveler. Traveler may be encouraged to sign over all their worldly possessions to the Holy Righteous Kingdom of the Prophet Kevin B. Smith Enterprises, LLC—not to be confused with the Righteous Holy Kingdom of Prophet Kevin C. Smith, Inc., which we interpret to be the legal form taken by the inveterate spawn of Satan. Offer valid through the earliest of the following: compound housing capacity reached, next Thursday, or the Apocalypse (also next Thursday).

Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics from the reign of human Pharaoh Nutteninkomen VI indicate an outbreak in the royal family of behaviors precisely like earth-house-cats, which this civilization worshipped. Manifestations included extended daytime napping, playing with balls of wound fibers, and showing total indifference to their servants. Accounts were thought to be apocryphal, although scans of mummified remains may reveal cutaneous marks not inconsistent with cat-like human pawing. The condition, translated by Google as “feline-abrasion high-temperature syndrome,” was first named by noted human public-health figure and amateur musician Theodore Nugent.